The Failure of Uzumaki Naruto
by Somewhat Sentient
Summary: Everyone knows Naruto failed at his love for Sakura.  So what happens when another love sprouts for a specific indifferent black-haired ninja?
1. Chapter 1

**Sai X Naruto fanfiction for lack of better pairing. Sai is awesome. Naruto POV. Chibi-kun out.**

I never really had any luck with relationships. I mean, seriously, if I even look back at all my attempts at getting Sakura, it's obvious enough. Every time I'd tried to present the idea of a dinner date that Uchiha Sasuke would pop up and insult me, and then I'd just have to beat him up. And when he didn't show up spontaneously, Sakura was floundering around him and then yet again, I'd just have to beat him up. There was always the indirect advances, such as when I once posed as a girl. I reccomended myself, and then when Sakura found out she beat me to a bloody pulp and served me in some ramen. Nothing there, right? Of course, my Sakura relationship hadn't turned out as well as I thought it would. We weren't dating and still minus those seven children I had in mind. But that didn't mean I couldn't strike up another relationship. And this time if I did fail, I'd just be like Pervy Sage and forever hit the baths. Not the ideal life, but hey, it was still something.

"Ramen." Three nights of preparation, of fasting so then I could finally get out the right words when I came to propose the idea of going out to get some ramen or something, and I choked at the last minute. All that came out was ramen. What happened to those sauve lines I borrowed from one of Kakashi-sensei's adult books? I had to resist the urge to hit my head against a tree or punch the ground in frustration. Sweat was already running down the side of my face. Was it this hard with Sakura? I could barely even smile. Wait, wait...no, that's just a creepy smile. I looked down at the black-haired statue and began thinking about escape routes. I could go back the way I came, or I could jump a couple of feet and then run the other side. I could make duplicates and do the same thing. They wouldn't notice I was here. Yup, that's what I'll do. Just turn around and run away...  
>So then how did I end up on a date with Sai? I was supposed to be on the other side of the world right now, drowning myself in a river. Instead, I was having microwave ramen noodles and sitting back on the tree I'd found him at, Sai in front of me sketching. Did this even qualify as a date? Okay, so perhaps that little ramen question wasn't direct enough. I'd brought the ramen, all heated up and ready to snack on, and Sai took it and began drawing again. I smiled, and ripped the sketch book out of his hand, throwing it behind me. He stared. "So you do have some."<p>

"Some what?"

"Balls." He did that fake smile of his and I squeezed my noodle cup. Did everyone I ask out have to say bad things about me? Why exactly did I like somebody like Sai? From the first time we met the guy had pissed me off. He had said terrible things about Sasuke, more messed up stuff about my balls - why the heck was he so hooked on insulting my balls in the first place? He even fought me with those weird ink creatures. The guy had even efficiently ticked off Sakura, which for most people was hard enough. He wasn't exactly somebody people would want to date, much less hang out with. So what exactly had drawn me to the little name-calling brat? I looked down at my cup, the noodles swirling around in salty broth. Was it because he'd reminded me somewhat of Sasuke?

We just sat for a few minutes, saying nothing. I had nothing to say to him - was there any real response to what he'd just said? Sai had made up for the loss of his sketch book and began drawing in the dirt with the end of his spoon, while I just tried to figure everything out. Did I need a reason to like Sai? I mean, I liked Sakura, but I still don't know why I did. Did, as in past tense. I didn't feel the urge to talk to her about going out every second I saw her anymore. She'd shown me well enough her world would revolve around Sasuke for a long time. What had I read in Kakashi-sensei's books? Whenever the situation was dull, the main character would do something unexpected. Like jump off a boat. I looked around. No boat. So now what?

Something unexpected. I'd already tossed away his sketchpad. But that just seemed to make his less talkative and a bit more annoyed with me. I could say a pun! Puns...puns..."I-I hear this new cemetery is very popular. People are just dying to get in!" Sai looks at me. Okay, so puns don't work. Um, how about something even unexpected for me? Something I would never do in a million years for some reason. Like telling Sasuke he's better than me. Or admitting to Hinata I'd never really noticed her affections for me. That'd just be harsh. Something Sai wouldn't like. I looked at him and gulped. Unexpected.

I leaned forward while Sai was still looking down at the ground, drawing one of those abstract things of his, and held on tight to my ramen noodles. Something unexpected would be a kiss, right? Sai wouldn't like it. At least, I doubt he would. Puckering my lips, I felt Sai's head look up slightly. If I caught him by surprise, he'd probably lurch backwards, and I could kiss him. I silently prayed no one was watching right now. Think about something other than kissing Sai, or you'll freak out, Naruto. Ramen. Ramen. Ramen. Ramen.

"Your ramen is spilling." I paused.

"What?" He looked up, ready to give it to me straight, when he hit his head on mine and I moved forward. Our ramen was to the side, luckily still intact despite the crash course. It was expensive - 4,600 ryo! I barely had enough to eat as it was. Glancing down at Sai - wait. Glancing. Down? I looked at him, a bruise right on his forehead and killing intent in his eyes. "Listen, no need to be upset. It's not like anyone saw us." My voice was shaky enough with the awkward situation, but now I had a guy who smiled while he killed people looking at me like I was prey. I mentally smacked myself. Kiss Sai? He would have stabbed me with the spoons and then gouged out my eyes. I would have been tossed into a volcano left to burn into little Naruto crisps. He'd feed me to Akamaru! So, it was decided. This was all Kakashi-sensei's fault. Him and his adult books! Didn't he know hell hath no fury like an apathetic guy scorned?

I was about to get up off of him - as great as it was to do something surprising, I wasn't planning on dying before becoming Hokage - I heard a shrill "Kyaa! Boy on boy!" and turned my head. Sakura and Ino were a few feet ahead of us, both coming on with nosebleeds. Great, another misunderstanding. Just as I was about to get things under control, I felt Sai flip me over. The girls were gone to round up some more gay guy fanatics, and Sai know had the liberty to beat me up and punch me until his hands fell off. I smiled weakly, looking up at his eyes. They glinted with blood lust. I whimpered.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe we brought all those girls for nothing. We came back, and what do we see?" Sakura crossed her arms and spit on the ground. They'd witnessed the perfect seen for their yaoi group, Uzumaki Naruto on top of an ever-bored-looking Sai. It was enough to send chills of excitement down the fangirl's spine. Sure, she had never really seen Sai as a bottom, but along the way Ino had pointed out the cold and calculating guys were always bottoms. Then again, she'd never seen Naruto and Sai as an item. Yet, it was good enough. But the minute they'd brought everybody - including the anxious Hinata who was carrying knives and wearing an 'I hate Sai' shirt she had for some reason - Sai had disappeared and Naruto was beaten so much he looked like an eggplant. That wasn't boy love. It wasn't even worth laughing at.<p>

Ino poked Naruto, whose face was but a distant memory replaced with some lump of skin she couldn't navigate. Where was the nose? The eyes? How about his eyebrows? Oh. Seems Sai had shaved them off. Kicking her feet up, Ino rested her head on Naruto's legs and sighed. "Do you think they just had a fight?"

"I don't know. Seems they were eating ramen." They both looked at each other, and walked towards the two cups halfway full of ramen, still undamaged from the fight - if Sai thrashing Naruto could even be called such a thing - and began eating. The other fangirls had left already, although Hinata was still on the hunt for Sai. Sakura tilted her head. Was there possibly a inkling of affection sprouting between Hinata and Sai? Ino disagreed. Surely, Naruto and Sai had stumbled over a hurdle in their relationship. Putting down the cups, they walked off and began discussing the prospect of guiding the two to finally come out of the closet.

And so the two left the eggplant, now not only eyebrow-less but also ramen-less.

Hell hath no fury like two women disappointed and an apathetic guy scorned.


	2. Chapter 2

_The heat of the jungle slowly devoured them both, and the smell of sweat and passion filled the air as they both..._

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto burst through the door, his face purple like an eggplant and his eyebrows missing. I looked up from Itcha Itcha Paradise and sighed. With these kids it was always something. Kakashi, buy me some ramen! Kakashi, does Sasuke like short hair? Kakashi, help me kill my brother. I could only take so many requests. Didn't I deserve some down-time to appreciate a work of literature? Oh, and there was also Guy. I shivered. That man scared me sometimes, with his bowl-cut and his bushy eyebrows, and his rivalry with me. Some people didn't understand. Kakashi-sensei had a life too. Naruto stopped in front of me, panting heavily. "Kiss...ramen...crazed Hinata..." I raised my eyebrows. This boy didn't make any sense.

"Calm down." Naruto continued sputtering about spilled ramen and a date gone wrong, etc. I let out another sigh, and smacked him on the head. Sitting him down, I handed him a mirror and listened to the silence while continuing my chapter of Itcha Itcha. _She looked up at him with glazed over eyes, and carnal love came over him..._

"Kakashi-sensei, I'm having love troubles." I felt my entire body seize up. Love? Naruto? Those two words should never have to enter the same sentence together. It was almost as bad as Jiraiya and sober in the same sentence. Oddly enough, the sennin was even weirder when sober. I chuckled. Like that time he accidentally shaved his...I snapped back to focus. What poor soul would fall in love with Naruto? Even worse, go on a date with the sap? No offense to Naruto, but he wasn't the type for relationships. That was obvious enough from those attempts at Sakura.

I looked down at Itcha Itcha Paradise and had a sudden epiphany. "Well, there are three sure-fire ways to fix any love trouble."

"Like the three S's of peeping? Sight a beauty, sit for the show, and save yourself?" I swallowed. He was even farther under Jiraiya's influence than I'd thought. This would be harder than I'd hoped. Flipping through the pages of my romance novel, I tried to get some more ideas. The flimsy epiphany I'd had before hadn't accounted for Naruto's strange habits. I had to remember that his kid had some serious problems. Outside of the fact that he had the nine-tails trapped inside of him. And that nearly everyone he met tried to kill him.

"Find a jungle, make an evil twin, and fake another love interest." Naruto nodded, as if mentally noting it in his head. I closed Itcha Itcha Paradise and pushed him towards the door. "Do this, and that girl will fall for you." The ninja turned around to face me, and open his mouth.

"But it's not a -"

"Good luck!" With that I pushed him out the door and watched him walk away from my house through the window. Settling back down on my lounging chair, I picked up Itcha Itcha Paradise and stared idly at the floor. What girl had Naruto fallen for? Surely not Sakura again. We didn't need such an odd love triangle when there were dark forces lurking in the shadows. Half of them trying to recruit Sasuke, the other half trying to steal the nine-tails from Naruto, in the process killing him. And Hinata had been in love with Naruto for so long it was unlikely he'd just realize her love now. The girl had a frigging shrine for him in the ninja academy's girls' bathroom. I looked out the window and screamed.

Speak of the devil.

Hinata's face was plastered against the glass, her eyes crazed and her hair full of twigs. Her shirt was the oddest part – I Hate Sai? Colorful. She breathed through her nose dangerously, and scratched words into the window. I flinched as the annoying squeak filled the air. After a painstakingly long amount of scratching and squeaking, Hinata pointed at the words and moved back. "Where is Naruto?" I pointed in the direction he'd run off into and watched her blaze a trail of fire in her wake. Sometimes, that girl scared me.

Little did I know that the failure of Hatake Kakashi was about to come into play.

**AN:** **Maybe one day I'll explain why Kakashi knows about that shrine in the girls' bathroom...**

**Until then, I'll be posting periodically about this strange mess that started with a harmless question and some ramen...  
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